The greatest deception is known as self deception – when you think you’re fine, you have it all together, you know exactly where you’re at, but…. There comes a day when you’re confronted by something that you thought you would’ve been able to handle quite well, but instead you lose yourself in the turmoil of your suppressed pain as the bomb bursts within your soul.

You thought you had it all under control, wore a well painted mask to fool the world – trying to hide your pain, but lost yourself somewhere along the road you named recovery. You were in survival mode for so long, in autopilot, numb… But suddenly you were pulled back to reality when you realized you believe your own lie, the mask you painted for the world to see – the one that says “I’m fine”. A wave of emotions crashes over you without warning as you’re confronted by your past and you’re  struggling to keep your head above water as the waves just keep on crashing over you. The pain, regret, shame, unforgiveness and guilt pulling you downwards like an anchor – you’ve never even realized you’re actually slowly drowning. You where so familiar and comfortable with hiding behind the mask that you started believing it yourself, fooling yourself, just suppressing the pain more and more. The trauma of your past was so severe that you’ve developed a harmful coping mechanism to avoid facing the pain. Your normal became pain, anxiety and rejection – they became your companions, your comfort zone, but you found a way to suppress them, and as a result something inside of you died. They became so part of who you are that you don’t even know how it feels to have peace and joy anymore, and all these emotions and feelings, good and bad were replaced with a general numbness.

How is it possible that one can be one’s own worst enemy by deceiving oneself like that?  Not facing the pain is just prolonging, and in some cases preventing healing…

But how am I suppose to deal with this trauma when as soon as somebody hears my story, they’re shocked by the reality and its to big for them to handle? How many times am I suppose to open up my heart and be vulnerable in order to find healing, before I will actually meet someone that is not frightened or intimidated by my past? How many more rejection should I endure before I find someone that wouldn’t judge me, but accept me like Jesus does?

Maybe self deception is actually a serious cry for help. But because people have silenced her cry by continuing to reject her, she had no choice but to find a way to cope with her pain…


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