Jesus my heart and soul is screaming out to You. The ghosts of my past is haunting me wherever I go. I just can’t let go… I’m living a nightmare – there’s not a day that I’m not the puppet of Pain. Lord have mercy on me. Shine Your light through my dark soul, deliver me from my enemy’s hand. Confusion and unforgiveness became my closets friends in the midst of this hurricane storm. Lord I have never known Loneliness like I know him today. I’ve given myself to Loneliness the day I decided to confess – and even though Your word says that truth will set you free, I feel imprisoned and isolated now more than ever. My heart is a black hole full of hate and bitterness and the scars of rejection runs deep within my being. Lord how am I supposed to go on? I know what Your word says but confusion has taken the overhand. How could You be the Covenant partner of me and of those who are hurting me?
Lord I am tired, I feel sick to the core and I don’t know how to look to the future and focus on You when I am surrounded with accusers that brings guilt and shame.
I feel hopeless Lord. I can’t get past this unfairness, I can’t deal with the fact that church leaders, elders and people I have trusted are the ones casting stones. Lying to me, keeping things from me, judging me and shutting me out. Lord I know that is not Your heart – why then are Your people destroying me? Lord I’m also one of them – I am Yours. I was part of a family, sacrificed a great deal for them, served them. I’m the one with a repentant heart, yet I’m the one who is asked to leave. I can’t deal with all this rejection Lord. Where is the love Lord? Where is the acceptance? Why would they just cast me out like I’m a parasite, when You know the truth? How could they throw a wounded family member to the wolves like that. How could all of them be deceived by believing the lie of the other party? How could not even one of them see the truth Lord? Aren’t they lead by Your Spirit – the Spirit of truth? The confusion is draining me of everything that I have left. I am struggling to not let bitterness take complete hold of my heart. Lord please help me. Please hear my cry… I can deal with everything that I have lost, but Lord how am I suppose to deal with this unfairness and rejection by people that are suppose to love me like You love me? I am drowning Lord, and I’m so tired of trying to swim in this sea of condemnation and shame, help me!
There are so many days that I just want to give up, end it… I wake up every morning with this heavy heart, darkness clouding my view, dreading the day ahead. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do life this way.
Please Lord save me… if its not from Your people, then save me from myself.