You’ll never let me go

In the nothingness, where I’m blinded by the dark shadows of yesterday haunting me, I will find You and know that I am safe with You.
In the quietness I will smell Your sweet fragrance and know that You are with me – close to me, never leaving my side.
In the stillness I will hear Your soft, familiar voice, calling me, whispering my name, testifying to my heart that I am a child of God. In the darkness where evil lurks around every corner and fear is waiting to grab a hold of me, I will see You draw near to me when I feel all alone.
In the coldness when the sun refuses to shine and the wind is ripping through my being, You will be the warmth that keeps me going through the storm.
In my brokenness I will see Your light shining through the cracks of my heart, like a treasure for all the world to see that You will always bring victory out of pain.
In my emptiness I will feel You making me full of who You are pouring your love out on me and filling me with Your Holy Spirit.
In my weakness I will lift my hands in praise and sing a new song to You my King for it’s Your joy that gives me strength.
In my numbness I will feel You bringing me back to life as You breathe into my lungs and restore my soul.
In the goodness of Your grace You take me in and cherish me like I’m worth my weight in gold and you look at me as though I have never sinned.
In the fierceness of Your love You hold me and I can hear Your heart beat as You pull me closer to Your chest, and You love me like there is no one else to love.
In the fullness of Your embrace I feel Your kindness and mercy as You touch my innermost being and heal my heart.
In the faithfulness of who You are You took my face in Your loving hands, looked me in the eyes and said that You’ll always be by my side and You’ll never let me go…

My beloved

With Me, you never have to be ashamed or hide yourself away. I know you, I know everything about you- everything you’ve done, every thought that crosses your mind… But regardless of all that, I love you! Nothing you do can make Me love you less. I am love… And I have such a need to pour it all out on you. My arms are open – run into My embrace without hesitation. I want to hold you close to My heart and lavish My love on you.

I am here to catch you when you fall and help you get back up again. I am here to comfort you in your times of need and to dry every tear that rolls down your face for they are so precious to Me and my heart breaks when I see you broken like that. Broken because of all the lies that satan got you to believe…

I promise You that every time You need Me, You’ll be met by love and grace and I will never turn My back on you – for I desire intimacy with you. My love for you is fierce. My love covers a multitude of sin. Don’t shy away and let go of Me because of guilt and shame, instead run back to me, seek my face, I promise You will find me. I know the world makes you believe that I am the one that lets go – but I am still right here waiting for you, right here where you left Me. I am patiently waiting for you to come back to Me My beloved.

I know the world teaches you a different type of love- something that is so wicked and full of lust it can’t even be called love. Come back to Me, let Me teach you what true love is. The world is shouting at you from many directions and its managed to distract you – but if you listen in the stillness you’ll hear My whisper- My voice is still the same. I have not forsaken you, you need to discipline your ear and tune in again to hear Me in the chaos of the world’s loudness.

You are worth every drop of blood that I have shed and I would do it all over again if it means that I could spend eternity with you. You are the apple of My eye – and if the enemy touches you he touches Me.. because we are one. You were made for victory My bride – lift up your head and look into the eyes of your Lord. Don’t loose heart. I am with you all the way, and I will be returning for you soon.

I love You.

Self deception

The greatest deception is known as self deception – when you think you’re fine, you have it all together, you know exactly where you’re at, but…. There comes a day when you’re confronted by something that you thought you would’ve been able to handle quite well, but instead you lose yourself in the turmoil of your suppressed pain as the bomb bursts within your soul.

You thought you had it all under control, wore a well painted mask to fool the world – trying to hide your pain, but lost yourself somewhere along the road you named recovery. You were in survival mode for so long, in autopilot, numb… But suddenly you were pulled back to reality when you realized you believe your own lie, the mask you painted for the world to see – the one that says “I’m fine”. A wave of emotions crashes over you without warning as you’re confronted by your past and you’re  struggling to keep your head above water as the waves just keep on crashing over you. The pain, regret, shame, unforgiveness and guilt pulling you downwards like an anchor – you’ve never even realized you’re actually slowly drowning. You where so familiar and comfortable with hiding behind the mask that you started believing it yourself, fooling yourself, just suppressing the pain more and more. The trauma of your past was so severe that you’ve developed a harmful coping mechanism to avoid facing the pain. Your normal became pain, anxiety and rejection – they became your companions, your comfort zone, but you found a way to suppress them, and as a result something inside of you died. They became so part of who you are that you don’t even know how it feels to have peace and joy anymore, and all these emotions and feelings, good and bad were replaced with a general numbness.

How is it possible that one can be one’s own worst enemy by deceiving oneself like that?  Not facing the pain is just prolonging, and in some cases preventing healing…

But how am I suppose to deal with this trauma when as soon as somebody hears my story, they’re shocked by the reality and its to big for them to handle? How many times am I suppose to open up my heart and be vulnerable in order to find healing, before I will actually meet someone that is not frightened or intimidated by my past? How many more rejection should I endure before I find someone that wouldn’t judge me, but accept me like Jesus does?

Maybe self deception is actually a serious cry for help. But because people have silenced her cry by continuing to reject her, she had no choice but to find a way to cope with her pain…

Met by love

Jesus, You are my Lord and Savior – You are my world. I am nothing without You. You came into my life and changed me from the inside out, Your love and kindness lead me to repentance. You are wonderful and glorious, and I desperately want to know more of You. Come and do whatever You want to do in my heart. I belong to You and You alone. You loved me before I was born, You chose me before I even knew of You. Lord, You have been so gracious to me, and wherever I go Your grace keeps following me. Lord, Your love blows my mind. I have never known love like Yours, ever. Your love is pure, unconditional and true – nothing like the love of a human. Your love is liberating, it’s fierce and I cannot run or hide from Your love, You’re always with me. Every time I need You and seek Your face, I am met by love. Your arms are always open waiting for me to run into Your embrace. Your love is calling my name – You know my name. Your love crashed over my like a mighty wave, overwhelmed my senses and consumed my whole being. Lord I long to be with You, in Your presence, forever. My soul yearns for You. Every time I fall, You were there to clean my wounds and help me get up again. You never hide yourself from me, and You gave all of You so that I may be free. You are the lover of my soul – You are the reason that I live. You always keep Your promises, You are the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.

Lord I surrender all of me once again, every part of my heart I give to You, knowing that I am safe in Your hands. Lord, mold me and guide me, lead me in Your ways. Strip me of the things that is not of You, so that I will only bare good fruit, fruit that represents You. Lord empty me of me and fill me anew with Your Spirit, so that people will have a taste of who You are when they cross my path. Lord send me to do Your work, use me to bring glory to Your name. Anoint my lips, hands and feet so that I may minister Your love to the broken hearted and lost people. Lord, walk beside me, and never let me go. Please don’t ever take Your Spirit from me. Guide me on the road to holiness. Take my heart and transform it to Your will Father. Let my will be conformed to Your will, and may Your will be done in and through my life.

Lord You showed me grace, You lifted my shame and guilt, and You took it all upon You. You paid my dept and died in my place. Lord I owe You my life, and therefore I want to serve You with all I have until I breathe my very last breath. Lord I am Yours!! When I meditate on Your word and on what You’ve done for me, I cannot help but to stand in awe of who You are – You are the great I am. I cannot run from You, You always find me when I take the wrong path, and Your mercy draws me back to Your heart. You never give up on me, even though I have given up so many times before. You never let go of me, even if I let go of Your hand. You care so much to put Yourself in my circumstances and in my storm and You find me wherever I am.

Lord create in me a heart that understands, a heart that accepts and loves like You do. Create in me a heart for Your people. For those that are lost in the world. Help me to see beyond their sinful actions, and to see them the way You see them. Lord teach me to love them and to hurt for them, instead of being hurt by them. Lord, give me a burning desire for You and Your people, to show them the way to You.

 

Behind the scarlet door…

Behind the scarlet red door.

The moment I have reached the scarlet red hotel room door, all my muscles tightened as the intense metallic smell of blood overwhelmed my senses.  I rushed into the room, my head spinning with disbelieve and my heart pounding anxiously like it’s about to explode out of my chest cavity. Has my only nightmare come true?  Trying to take it all in I notice splashes of blood against the walls, bloody stains all over the white carpet, never in my life have I seen so much blood.  I followed the blackish flood to the bedroom and there she was.  My flesh, my pride, my only daughter, unrecognizably mangled by gunfire, all the life was drained out of her tiny body.  My father heart yelled and cursed with its silent voice as the terrifying scene burned into my all most being.  My stomach turned and my eyes flooded with tears as every moment between me and my little girl had flashed before my eyes.  Time stood still and I couldn’t move as I became numb with excruciating pain ripping through my body, taking every part of me and crushing the live out of the little that was left.  How could I have done this to her?

My cellphone rang as I was just about to bet another thousand on the poker table at the casino near our neighborhood.  It’s my daughter, Loraine, probably wanting to know when our flight is leaving for New York this afternoon.  I promised the girl that when she was sixteen I would take her with me on my annual business trip that I have to attend every year in August.  Boy do I regret that promise, she’s always nagging me to stop gambling and to stop drinking.  I’m sick and tired of that.  What happened to the sweet little girl who loved me unconditionally?  What happened to “Loraine and daddy against the world”?

When I arrived home she was already waiting for me.  Loraine changed a lot over the past year from the chatty little girl she used to be to this silent girl with fear and pain in her eyes.  The pain of her mother’s death has driven me to gambling and alcohol abuse and I hardly have time to be there for Loraine because of my double shifts and after hours at work.  I just can’t stand the thought of being in that house where her mother suffocated to death in my arms.   I’m sure Loraine prefers it when I’m not around because make up can only hide a little of the evidence of my abuse.  As every other citizen sees me, I’m a successful business man, rich and famous, perfect from the outside, I’ve managed to paint the world a picture, a mask without any cracks so no one can suspect anything.  No one knows about the pain on the inside of the four walls of this house.  Nobody knows about the way I sexually abuse my daughter after my old friend Jack Daniels has taken over.  I hate myself for doing that to her, I do love her with all my heart but I hate her for reminding me of my laid wife.

Our plane landed in New York and we went to book in.  I had a few drinks on the plane and as I watch my daughter walking in front of me my body started to react on my intense lust for her.  I’m painfully aware of her perfect body next to me and I feel aroused as we reached our hotel room.  I quickly dismissed the carrier, opened the scarlet red door, and as we entered the room I saw a bottle of Scott and drank about half of it.  I went to the bedroom where Loraine was unpacking her things and I lost control…again…  I remember strangling her, covering her mouth, tying her to the bed and raping her in every possible way like so many times before.  She just laid there, tears running down her face but still accepting me without choice. “You still love your daddy, don’t you baby girl?  Now don’t you dare tell anyone about this?”  And with those famous words I left her and I went to the casino in central New York.  Little did I know what was about to happen…

My cellphone rang displaying an unknown number, but for some reason I’ve answered it.  It was the hotel manager; I could sense something was wrong by judging from the tremble in his unstable voice.  They heard a gunshot coming from our room and as soon as he uttered the words it hit me solidly like a train speeding to its next destination.  I was short of breath and my mouth went dry with the thought of what happened as I sit in the backseat of the taxi.  Pearly sweat ran down my forehead and face and my hands were shaking as I was dreading the moment yet to come.  After a few minutes what felt like an hour we reached the hotel and I rushed to our room where I left my daughter.  Regret took over and the pain began to slowly kill me from the inside.  I lost my insanity and took the gun from my daughter’s hand.  I felt the ice cold gun against my head and the trigger covered with my daughter’s precious blood under my finger.  One last tear rolled down my cheek as I pulled the trigger. That day I took my life, I couldn’t life with the guilt of mercilessly taking my own daughter life…

 

Beauty from ashes

She fell to her knees, bleeding, her soul shattered to pieces.. She hated herself, for the wrong decisions that she has made, despised herself for the pain that she is going through.. She suffered from rejection and worthlessness. She was overwhelmed by pain and sorrow, by guilt and shame. She was drowning in the sea of bitterness and regret. Her body was weak, her spirit crushed, nothing was left of her. All hope was lost.. until..

She met Him…
She felt His gentle touch. She felt His love, His presence. She knew it was Him eventhough she never really knew Him before this encounter. She saw love in His eyes – a love that no human could ever give her. She reached out to touch His hands and felt the holes that the nails made when He bore her cross. She realised that He died for Her – she is bought at such a high price, He values her.
He showed her an ocean of tears – her tears, He caught every tear that she has ever cried, He was there each time she cried out to Him. When His gaze caught her focus she saw in His eyes a beautiful reflection of herself as He has made her – without the raged, bloody, clothes that she was wearing, without the scars and bruises that she was carrying from her past. As He looked at her, tears rolled down His face, washing her of every unclean word and curse that was spoken over her life. Freeing her of the stronghold of satan’s lies, healing her heart, changing her orphan mentality by adopting her into His royal family – His Holy Spirit now testifying to her spirit who she is in Him.
She laid her head on His chest and weeped, surrendering every twisted perspective that she held on to for so long. She gave Him every part of her heart and parted with all the bitterness and unforgiveness. She laid down what was dear to her, every lost hope and broken dream, her aborted ministry and disappointments, she gave it all to Him knowing that He will restore or make all things new.
She felt safe in His loving embrace and she felt a peace that can’t be explained. She knew she is accepted and that He will never leave her.

He clothed her in white for she is now made pure, and anointed her for a Godly purpose. He gave her grace as a necklace and the ministry of reconciliation of lost people’s hearts back to God, as a bracelet. He crowned her with holiness and she wore righteousness in her ears. He equiped her with a sword to defeat the enemy that will try to attack her. He dressed her for glory – to glorify the name of Jesus Christ, her Lord and Saviour.

Liefde, ‘n onreg?

Liefde, ‘n onreg?

19 Julie 1993.  Dis ‘n koue winters oggend waar ek op die stoep sit en staar in die verte in.  Ek, Lisa, dra vandag die resultaat van ‘n psigopatiese verkragter.  Die herhinneringe van my verlede sny deur my menswees, verwoes my identiteit en los slegs letsel van bitterheid.  Vandag is ek 8 maande swanger…

Vandat ek drie jaar oud is, vasgekeer in ‘n pikdonker kelder, waar hy my aanhou soos ‘n troeteldier, ‘n speeding.  Vasgeboei aan ‘n staalbed, om te keer dat ek weg kom.  Terwyl ek stoei teen die greep van die boeie wanneer hy aan my vat, voel ek die warmte en ruik ek die bekende metaal geur van my bloed, wat teen my polse afloop.

Na die ouderdom van vyf het sy spesiale kuiertjies baie meer gereeld geword. “Ons geheim”, het hy altyd gesê terwyl ek doodstil lê soos ‘n lyk, my klein dogtertjie lyfie, onskuldig, spierwit van die vrees vir wat nou gaan gebeur.  My armpies en beentjies en elke spier  in my lyfie is in spasma, ek huil, ek voel die trane oor my wange rol, maar ek mag nie ‘n geluid maak nie, want hy gaan kwaad word en my baie seerder maak.  Hy trek al my klere uit en vat hard aan my en ek voel skaam, want mamma het my geleer  dat niemand  aan my mag vat waar my swembroekie toe maak nie.  Ek word naar as hy homself in my mond druk.  Ek kry nie asem as hy met sy hele gewig op my is nie, dit voel of ek gaan versmoor.  Hy druk homself onverwags in my in, ek gil van die pyn, hy druk my mond toe en hy hou net aan… My bedjie is vol bloed, my bobene is gekneus, my arms is blou, my gesiggie is opgeswel van al die huil, my hartjie is gebreek.  Ek verstaan nie wat nou gebeur het nie, maar dit was baie seer.

Dit het vir jare so aangegaan en soos ek ouer geword het, het ek myself probeer verdedig, my pogings was tervergeefs want hy het aggressief geraak en wanneer hy uithaak hou hy nie op totdat ek amper dood is nie, hy het my een aand geslaan tot ek bewusteloos was. Ek sal sy stem so goed onthou terwyl hy vir my fluister: “Die is al liefde wat jy ooit sal ken, niemand sal jou nou wil hê nie, ‘n “second hand’ stuk gemors.  Jy is niks sonder my nie, niks werd nie!”  Snags, na sy besoeke en nadat ek hom “ge-service” het,  wonder ek soms, is dit dan regtig wat liefde is, is daar nie veronderstel om meer te wees nie? Hoe kon my ma my nie teen die monster beskerm het nie? Hy bederf my met duurste lingerie waarvan meeste vroue wat my ouderdom is, nie eers van kan droom nie.  Dis omtrent al klere wat ek besit, hierdie pragtige onderklere.  Ek het ook nou al geleer dat wanneer ek saamwerk, hom bevredig en hom nie teenstaan nie, sal hy my nie straf deur my te slaan met ‘n metaal pyp of dit in my op druk nie. – miskien is hy lief vir my?

Een aand, ek was tien jaar oud, toe kom hy in met 4 ander mans.  “Jy beter saamwerk vanaand, die manne soek waarde vir hulle geld” was sy woorde aan my.  Dit het gevoel of die laaste bietjie lewe wat in my oor was net daar en dan van my beroof was, ek was gedwing om my laaste bietjie emosie af te sit, net om die nag te oorleef.  Verkrag op elke manier denkbaar, daardie aand deur 4 mans op een slag, mishandel, my menswees stuk vir stuk afgebreek tot net ‘n vuil, gebruikte, emosielose liggaam oorbly – Ek is leeg!  Geen rede om te lewe..

Met verloop van tyd is hy oorlede aan alkohol vergiftiging en ek is een oggend opgespoor deur toeriste wat se voertuig langs die pad gebreek het. Ek was alleen onder in die donker kelder, waarvan slegs die stomme mure kan getuig van my afgryslike lewe.  Daar is nie n prys wat betaal kan word om die mure te kan reinig van al die onreg wat in daardie kelder aan my gedoen is nie.

Vandag sit ek en staar na die letsels van my verlede.  ‘n Tweede hartklop binne my… Hoe maak ek die produk groot van n konsep wat ek nie verstaan nie, liefde?

 

 

 

 

 

I am Yours

I am just a breath of air in a hurricane wind, but still I am someone to You – the God who made the wind.
I am merely a wave in the sea of this world’s pain and sadness, but still I am someone to You that You chose me for your plan.
I am just a pettle falling from a dying flower, but you chose to pick me up and use me in Your master piece.
I am a nobody in a world full of somebodies, but you called me by my name, and adopted me into Your family – I am royalty.
I am a leaf, perishable and fragile, that changes colour as the seasons changes and dies when the winter comes, still You lavish me with Your love and kindness even though I can’t withstand the tough seasons and can’t be depended on.
I am made of dust and air, but You value me so much that You still hear my cry and catch me when I fall, You dry my tears and carry my burdens.
I am a failure, a wicked human being with a sinful nature who deserve death, but You had mercy on me and sent Your only Son to die on the cross in my place so that I may live.
I am just one in 7 billion people on this earth whom I mean nothing to – but You’ve shown me who I am – I belong to You, I am Yours.

Lord, save me…

Jesus my heart and soul is screaming out to You. The ghosts of my past is haunting me wherever I go. I just can’t let go… I’m living a nightmare – there’s not a day that I’m not the puppet of Pain. Lord have mercy on me. Shine Your light through my dark soul, deliver me from my enemy’s hand. Confusion and unforgiveness became my closets friends in the midst of this hurricane storm. Lord I have never known Loneliness like I know him today. I’ve given myself to Loneliness the day I decided to confess – and even though Your word says that truth will set you free, I feel imprisoned and isolated now more than ever. My heart is a black hole full of hate and bitterness and the scars of rejection runs deep within my being. Lord how am I supposed to go on? I know what Your word says but confusion has taken the overhand. How could You be the Covenant partner of me and of those who are hurting me?

Lord I am tired, I feel sick to the core and I don’t know how to look to the future and focus on You when I am surrounded with accusers that brings guilt and shame.
I feel hopeless Lord. I can’t get past this unfairness, I can’t deal with the fact that church leaders, elders and people I have trusted are the ones casting stones. Lying to me, keeping things from me, judging me and shutting me out. Lord I know that is not Your heart – why then are Your people destroying me? Lord I’m also one of them – I am Yours. I was part of a family, sacrificed a great deal for them, served them. I’m the one with a repentant heart, yet I’m the one who is asked to leave. I can’t deal with all this rejection Lord. Where is the love Lord? Where is the acceptance? Why would they just cast me out like I’m a parasite, when You know the truth? How could they throw a wounded family member to the wolves like that. How could all of them be deceived by believing the lie of the other party? How could not even one of them see the truth Lord? Aren’t they lead by Your Spirit – the Spirit of truth? The confusion is draining me of everything that I have left. I am struggling to not let bitterness take complete hold of my heart. Lord please help me. Please hear my cry… I can deal with everything that I have lost, but Lord how am I suppose to deal with this unfairness and rejection by people that are suppose to love me like You love me? I am drowning Lord, and I’m so tired of trying to swim in this sea of condemnation and shame, help me!

There are so many days that I just want to give up, end it… I wake up every morning with this heavy heart, darkness clouding my view, dreading the day ahead. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do life this way.

Please Lord save me… if its not from Your people, then save me from myself.

In awe of You

Lord You go before me, leading me on the path of righteousness, into holiness. You’ve been fully human, and lived the life I live today, You are the perfect example. You were tempted just like I am tempted – yet you were strong in faith and You depended on the Father for guidance, no matter how hard it was, no matter the cost. You, God of all, came to earth and humbled Yourself, born of a virgin in a stall, a vulnerable human baby dependent on His mother to be taken care of. You, the King of kings, became sin so that I may be free, so that I may become the righteousness of Christ. You’ve made the biggest sacrifice of all, in the history of mankind – You gave it all, put it all on the line for me when I was still a sinner, for just a possibility that I might accept You as my Lord and Saviour. You had no guarantee, yet you gave Your life in exchange for my freedom. You loved me even though I was the one that crucified You. You’ve chosen me even though I was the one to crown You with a crown of thorns and stab You in Your side… You knew my heart was wicked and my soul was damned to hell – which I deserved, but still You took my cross, without hesitation, and carried the wages of all my past and future sin, my pain, my sickness… Before I knew of You, You already valued me, and paid my dept. You took me in, cut covenant with me – a human who could only bring dept to this covenant. Still You chose to give me all of You and take all of me – what a beautiful exchange. Sometimes when I feel discouraged or beaten down by life’s challenges, I know I can just look into Your loving eyes – for it’s You who renew my strenght and build my faith. You’re the One who sustains me, You’re my provider. You’re the source of life. You made the way for me to be reconciled to the Father and to spent eternity with You, my Bridegroom. I will worship You with my whole life, with every breath I take – until we are united as One when You come back for me – Your bride.